Written by DP Whitehead
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Friday, 8 February 2013

image for Americans Arm Themselves In Preparation for Heavy Snowfall
Go To Hell Jack Frost!

Sales of automatic weapons and assault rifles have almost trebled overnight in some north eastern States as Northerners prepare themselves for an onslaught of inclement weather.

Forecasters have predicted a massive blizzard poised to dump up to 3 feet of snow on the Northeast and is following the same path as Superstorm Sandy, which devastated parts of the region less than six months ago.

However this time residents of affected states are not taking this attack lying down.

"I will defend my property from snow, sleet, hail and rain" screamed Randy Fuller as he loaded his AR-3 assault weapon with a clip containing 30 rounds. Pointing the weapon skywards he fired several rounds into sky "Get some!" he yelled "Come get some asshole!"

Randy isn't the only one arming himself to fight the weather and defend his property, mild mannered housewife Jean Shipton is also preparing to fight back against nature.

"I bought myself a pistol, just a small one, though I will use it if snow attempts to enter my property. At the first sign of a flake I will shoot."

It began snowing Friday morning in some areas, with the heaviest amounts expected to fall at night and into Saturday. Wind gusts are expected to reach up to 75 mph, resulting in armed groups of neighbors patrolling streets.

A makeshift militia formed in Providence, R.I., claims they will "take no prisoners" and "shoot on sight".

Leader of the group Raymond Gripe told me "I hope the weather heeds this warning, as Americans we have the right to bear arms and defend our property, our families and ourselves - be warned, any nasty weather headed to Providence better be wearing a bullet proof vest."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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