Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, held a press conference this morning to make a major announcement. His Face flushed and obviously excited, he gripped a sheaf of papers and took the podium. He began:
"Guns don't kill people! Old age kills people!" The journalists looked puzzled and a few guffawed in astonishment. LaPierre continued: "I have here in my hands statistics from around the world and they show positively and without a doubt," he paused for emphasis, "old age kills more people than guns!" He looked triumphant as he continued: "To prove my point, consider this, how many old people die in nursing homes of old age and how many die of gunshot wounds? Catch mt drift? So if this socialist commie government wants so badly to run our lives," he paused again and raised his voice, "LET THEM CURE OLD AGE!" Supporters in the audience cheered wildly and grabbed their crotches. LaPierre gave the victory sign and raised his arms in the air.
LaPierre held up his hands for silence. "In celebration of this day that we have finally set the facts straight, the day we have sent the government sissies packing and the elitist media gasping for air," he paused and smiled broadly, " we are sending to each and every one of our members, man, woman and child an XL Cod Piece and instructions in how to put their baseball caps on backwards!"
As the partisan crowd broke into a spontaneous rendition of Dixie, a female reporter from MSNBC was observed smiling and taking two of the XL Cod Pieces and slipping them inside of her brassier. She was heard to say, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained,"