WASHINGTON, DC - It would seem that Chap is in the national doghouse once more as President Barack Obama announced to the White House press corps that he's grounded the "if I had a son" once more for participating in a public masturbating contest with Vice-president Joe Biden.
"Unfortunately, the Vice-president has once again seen fit to antagonize Chap into some social unacceptable behavior," White House spokesperson Jay Carney said briefly in remarks this morning. "What started out as a harmless prank has proven an embarrassment for the nation."
Before coming to the White House on the Presidential ticket back in 2008, Biden served in the U.S. Senate for Delaware, where it was commonly known that he'd frequently "shake one out" whilst the governing body was in session. Initially, this sensuous habit aided 'good ole Joe' to maintain his focus throughout matters of constant bickering and debate, but it grew to become his cherished form of political grandstanding.
"When Joe disagreed with what his Republican opponents were saying, he'd simply take the podium and jerk one off," stated current Biden-biographer Daphne Millford-Payne. "If he wanted to make it known that he differed in the chosen course of action, he'd ask for a few minutes of the speaker's time and then proceeds to - as he liked to call it - 'choke the chicken in the city square.' Joe's a man of few words, and he prefers visible action to make his position known, of which he had many."
When he arrived in the White House, Biden felt it necessary to challenge the President's 'centrist ideology,' choosing to often play the devil's advocate in Cabinet meetings. Realizing that he wasn't being listened to, he decided to take matters into his own hands.
"He began openly taunting the President's imaginary son, Chap," Millford-Payne explains. "He'd challenge him to shoot some hoops or to nine holes of golf, but, when all of this seemed to have fallen on deaf ears, the Vice-president decided it was time to raise the ante - as he likes to call his penis - and, thus, he challenged Chap to a whack-off."
Carney insists that Chap will remain grounded until such a time that he's proven to Mr. Obama and his family that he can behave responsibly when guests are in attendance at further state dinners.
In related news, Carney clarified that the Lincoln Bedroom will remain closed until cleaners have removed the evidence of stains from the ceiling, drapes, and bureau.