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Saturday, 2 February 2013

image for Beavis, Butthead Steal Car, Shoot Out Wayne LaPierre's Windshield
"I am Corn Holio. Are you threatening me?"

Beavis and Butthead were taken into custody today after they allegedly stole a car, purchased an unregistered weapon at a gun show, then used it to shoot out the windshield of Wayne LaPierre's car, according to a police report.

The actors are best known for playing dumb, awkward teenage delinquents in a popular animated television series. They said the stunt aimed at the National Rifle Association spokesman serves as a "warning shot," calling themselves "two good guys with a gun."

"Uh, we heard about those kids who got killed in that new town, huh, huh," explained Butthead. "That's definitely not cool. Maybe it's too late for encouragables like us and LaPierre, but those were just kids. Huh, huh."

"Yeah, yeah!" added Beavis. "You mean 'Newtown,' though, and 'incorrigibles,' heh, heh. But it's like, those kids didn't get shot with a 200-year-old musket, Wayne. And it's like, how are guns supposed to protect Americans anyway? They can't stop a North Korean rocket. Um, they can't stop a nuclear bomb from Iran, or a plane aimed at a skyscraper. Except for hunting, the only reason we really need guns anymore is for Americans to shoot each other.

"Fire! Fire! Heh, heh. Fire!"

"Settle down, Beavis," interrupted Butthead, sitting up straight in his chair, getting ready to do his Wayne LaPierre imitation. "Uh, check this out (lowering voice): Today's NRA. Huh, huh. We put the 'gun' in 'gun violence.'

"Uh, huh, huh, huh. That was cool."

The actors indicated that they hoped their actions would raise awareness about gun control legislation issues - specifically, Wayne LaPierre's awareness.

"Uh, it's like, if it's that easy for dumbasses like us to do stuff like this to dumbasses like him, we obviously need a well-relegated militia," said Butthead. "Or else it's like, 'Hey, Bob. Huh, huh. We're gonna shoot each other in the leg to celebrate Independence Day.' Like those five people in three states that got shot at gun shows on the First Annual Gun Appreciation Day. Dumbasses."

"Um, you mean well 'regulated,' Butthead," interrupted Beavis. "Not relegated."

"No way, Beavis! I said it right." He went on to explain that in order to own a car, you need a title, and to drive one, you need a license and insurance. He indicated that commonsense regulations for owning, driving, and insuring automobiles in case something bad happens, are there for a good reasons.

Indeed, LaPierre's car insurance will likely cover the damages to his vehicle, and police admitted they ultimately were able to track down the TV hoodlums because they stole a registered vehicle from a licensed driver to get to the gun show where they purchased the unregistered weapon.

"Uh, how else were we supposed to get there, dumbass?" Butthead exclaimed. "We don't have enough money to buy a car. Huh, huh. Plus, I failed the test, and Beavis is crazy, so we can't get drivers licenses anyway. Huh, huh. Regulations suck!"

"No way, dill-hole," Beavis interrupted again. "That's our characters on TV! We want commonsense gun regulation, fart-knocker."

"Uh ... oh, yeah. Huh, huh," remembered Butthead. "Gun control is cool."

"Except for Gayle Trotter," said Beavis. "She's kicks ass. Heh, heh, heh. They should give her a rocket launcher! 'Are you threatening me? I am Corn Holio! Fire! Fire!' Heh-heh, hee, heh-heh-heh!"

The Romney administration released a statement saying that, while he does not "agree with the methods employed by these self-appointed gun control spokesmen," he "understand(s) their frustration."

"I'm in favor of new pieces of legislation on guns, and taking guns away or making certain guns illegal," said Romney, contradicting a statement he made in the second 2012 presidential debate. "Gosh, America is practically chock full of crazies. Why, just recently, I went to a number groups, and they brought us whole binders full of crazy people. Adam Lanza, Lee Harvey Oswald, James Holmes, John Hinckley, Jr., ... Enough is enough. This one's for 'The Gipper.'"

For those who are unfamiliar with his recent work and were wondering what happened to him, Mitt Romney went on to win the 2012 campaign on Foxx News, and is currently our 45th President on that network.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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