Written by K.C. Bell
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Friday, 18 August 2006

image for Snakes In The White House
Lock the door.

It has been disclosed that there are snakes in the White House: some venomous, some not; but snakes none the less and nobody likes snakes. Snakes are coming out of faucets, up sink drains, down fireplace flues, through heating ducts, toilets, squirming across floors, between floors, in walls, up the drapery, nesting in sofas, under pillows, cupboards, closets, you name it, at least ten snakes are there lurking and waiting to attack. Faced with snakes in the White House, George Bush dispatched wife Laura to deal with the campaign to get rid of the snakes in the White House.

"Let there be no doubt about it," Vice President Cheney stated from behind the podium, while standing on a chair, in a pool of water, and taking a quick check over his shoulder, his shot gun at the ready, "The weak kneed, coward, un-American Democrats would have cut and run by now, but we Republicans are holding our ground just like John Wayne and fighting like real men. Wire taps on telephone lines have revealed that snakes in the White House is a Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, Iran, insurgent plot, and getting rid of the snakes in the White House by hiring an exterminator or exterminators would be a true sign of weakness."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld suggested that the snakes in the White House could be fought on the cheap by leaving mouse traps on the floors, baited with aged Maytag cheese and slices of buttered bruschetta toast. When the White House head usher called for more stringent measures to be taken, insisting that mouse traps were like catnip to snakes, he was immediately replaced, walked out of the White House by two guards, taken off the civil service list, and headed for an early retirement without pension or health care coverage. "Gee wheeze, golly me, he was appointed by Democrats anyway."

Claiming extensive experience with snake charming abilities, (learning this practice in Texas oil fields) President Bush was immediately bitten by one of the snakes, after which the snake stretched out full length and died. "That's one heck of a way to get rid of the snakes in the White House, but I've got a dental appointment. In Crawford. Oh, that battle ax Cindy Sheehan is still there."

When told of the snakes in the White House, Condoleezza Rice said, "Snakes? Snakes in the White House? There are snakes in the White House? I'll have to fly to the Barbados for two weeks and have a conference with somebody and get to the bottom of this. Say, you aren't saying cakes in the White House? Cakes I can take, for heavens sake, but not snakes."

Will you settle for some Maytag cheese?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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