Written by cherio_056
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Thursday, 31 January 2013

Mothers across the United States are noticing an unsettling trend: cookie jars across the country are going undisturbed as their children find their solace in sweaters instead.

Reports of this rise in cookie ignoring began in December with Florence Hemmings, 38, of Pittsfield, Mass. When her children didn't pester her for the Christmas cookies she was pulling from the oven or, most disturbingly, didn't sneak licks of cookie dough from the mixing bowl, Hemmings spiraled out of control. Further reports have been called in by worried mothers across the country. It seems Mom, the woman who does her best to get into a child's heart through sweet treats and baked good, no longer has to worry about turning around to find a fresh-baked cookie missing from the tray recently taken from the oven.

Hemmings was found in the kitchen by her husband, weeping over a full, untouched tray of cookies. When speaking with reporters, she was able to squeeze these few words out between her sobs, "My kids used to sneak into the kitchen when I wasn't looking in order to steal cookies, but now the cookies just sit in the jar while the kids sit in their rooms wearing sweaters." And moms everywhere are feeling this same pain as their children sit in sweet sweater comfort, blithely ignoring mom's freshly baked treats.

It isn't just cookies going untouched. Other moms have noticed a worrying decrease in pie consumption. Yes, even the famous American Apple Pie, which is an institution unto itself, has been affected by the sweater's popularity, and pies are going cold on windowsills across the country.

The National Pie Association released this statement last week: "We at the NPA are concerned about the recent decrease in pie consumption by our younger demographic. We have no doubts that children, who once sought comfort in pie form, are now too comfortable in sweaters and no longer need the warm embrace of a pie, home-baked or otherwise. We are worried about the future of pie and all baked goods. We must do something in order to save the satisfying taste of pie before sweater love extinguishes it forever."

The question behind all of these things is: are younger people willing to give up their sweaters for the seemingly lesser comforts of cookies and pie?

Based on recent polls, which show people between the ages of 8 and 52 wearing sweaters about 72% more often than in the last three years combined, we can conclude that sweaters are not only here to stay but their desirability is spreading to older demographics.

Whether it is a fuzzy wool sweater, a soft cashmere sweater, or an alpaca and cotton blend, the sweater appears to be sticking around, while the chocolate chips and slices of apple pie go untouched and unloved on kitchen counters. Florence Hemmings and mothers everywhere are bereft.

There is no telling what else may go the way of the snickerdoodle.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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