Philadelphia, PA-- A local spinster is in hospital tonight, recovering from a bizarre case of Dutch Elm Disease. It is believed to be the first time the disease has ever jumped from the Plant Kingdom into the human race. No one knows how it was transmitted.
Miss Vicky Smegma is the unlucky patient. She was lucid enough to give some details about her malady to the press.
"I just felt real funny for a few days. I kept checking my hair to see if any birds or squirrels were living there. After a few days my hair began to turn green. Then I planted my feet in the ground and just stood still." said Miss Smegma.
The unfortunate woman then noticed her limps becoming weak. She began to tilt, and eventually fell down in a heap on the ground before passing out. She was brought to the hospital and she began receiving treatment from a Doctor Marx.
"She was turning green when they brought her into the Emergency Department." said Dr. Marx. "She had a high fever and was shaking like the leaves on a tree."
Dr. Marx thought there was something very strange right away. He did a Google search of Miss Smegma's symptoms. The only thing that came up was Dutch Elm Disease.
Dr. Marx then consulted with a tree surgeon. They decided to cut off Miss Smegma's limbs with a chain-saw to cure her from the illness.
"Dutch Elm Disease is just a horror to have." said the sad Miss Smegma from her hospital bed.
Suddenly, a few birds flew in the window and began making a nest on top of Miss Smegma's head. The limbless spinster was unable to shoo the birds away.
"Nobody can really understand the misery of Dutch Elm Disease unless they have it." she added.