Written by DP Whitehead
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Wednesday, 30 January 2013

image for Not ALL Cats Killing Billions Of Animals Claims Baltimore Man
A Cat

Recent reports that cats are one of the top threats to US wildlife, killing billions of animals each year, have been dismissed as "utter crap" by Baltimore man Brendan Packham.

Researchers had estimated that cats are responsible for the deaths of between 1.4 and 3.7 billion birds and 6.9-20.7 billion mammals annually.

"That is nonsense" bellowed the portly Packham, who oddly enough only speaks through a megaphone, causing irritation for some and mild headaches for others.

Speaking from his home he said, very loudly, "That cat on the cartoon, whats his name, Tom, he never catches anything, that mouse, Jerry, always escapes, so does his nephew, you know, the little grey one that comes to stay sometimes, that cat has never killed any animal."

Still speaking through his megaphone he continued "And Sylvester, he never ever hurt anything, despite his efforts he never gets to eat or harm Tweety Pie, despite sometimes covering him with salt and pepper and occasionally putting him in between two slices of bread"

Indeed Packham claims that cats are more likely to be the victims of violence from other animals and not the predators scientists, researchers and professors will have us believe.

"The real bastards are bulldogs! They knock the crap out of cats, especially that one called Butch who absolutely shows no mercy to Tom the cat. Unless Tom is lucky and the mad dog steps on a garden tool which whacks him in the face. From what I have seen, the mice, little birds and dogs are the evil ones. Not the poor cats!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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