Police fired rubber bullets and firefighters used water hoses today to try to restore order after hand sanitizer dispensers at a local Target store were accidentally filled with arousal gel. "When I arrived, a dozen shoppers rushed over and began groping me and licking my earlobes," said police sergeant Alvin Thackmump. "Even my pepper spray wouldn't repel them."
Fire Captain Norbirdie Buzbuck said the incident was caused when an unidentified Target employee accidentally poured K-Y Date Night Intense Arousal Gel into the dispensers shortly before the store opened. "He apparently grabbed the K-Y instead of the Purell."
Target store manager Swoosie Bonanno, whose dress was torn and wig was missing described the scene as surreal. "It was crazy. People were going at it right there in the aisles while firefighters sprayed water on them and the pharmacists tossed handfuls of condoms into the crowd. One obese elderly woman even zoomed up and down the aisles on the handicap scooter doing drive-by gropings."
Bonanno said the employee who made the error won't be disciplined. "He's really a good kid and he only has one eye."