Written by David Grant
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Monday, 28 January 2013

image for Tricyclist Vance Armstrong is a Sugar Dope
What They Put into Their Bodies

Ten year-old Vance Armstrong has finally admitted to sugar doping. The three times winner of the Tour De Cleveland broke down in an interview on Jeremy Bile's show.

He recalled a shocking history of candy abuse and also named fellow tricyclists who were involved. He said, "Cotton-Candy was stuffed into handle bars. It was perfect because it never showed up at the weigh-in."

"I used to go on holidays to England with my parents to get hold of the good stuff. Cadbury's Dairy Milk Chocolate was legendary, although it was too expensive over here," he added.

He revealed a tawdry list of slumber parties where Snickers bars and Skittles flowed freely. some of the children ended up with terrible stomach pains and nausea. These side-effects were considered acceptable for the glory of lifting the Yellow Tricycle.

The Head of the Anti-Sugar Doping Body says, "We always catch these cheats in the end. One Kid tried to hide a 3 Musketeers under his helmet. Let's just say that the weather conditions were not in his favor."

Even though Armstrong was in tears, he would not admit that he had done anything wrong and believes that the acceptable blood sugar level should be raised. Psychologists say that a child's mind sometimes cannot grasp the difference between right and wrong, but that he should grow out of this mental deficiency as he gets older.

Armstrong ended his TV appearance with his thumb stuck firmly in his mouth. He will have to pay back all of his winnings, which might take up to twenty years from his allowance.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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