WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) Speaker of the House John Boehner,(R-Hooterville) addressed thousands of chilled but thrilled supporters of abortion prohibition who had gathered along the Mall in frigid weather to attend the annual "March for Life" protest Friday.
In a video message, Boehner proclaimed, "Forget about jobs, the economy, or making Obama a one term president. Our new goal is to completely eliminate all abortions and contraception, especially in cases of rape, incest, risk to the life of the mother, or the sin of recreational sex."
The speaker outlined initiatives that he guaranteed would make the new "Zero Tolerance" Republican social conservative platform a reality. These included laws that would make it a felony for single women to have sex, and would enact mandatory jail sentences for possessing or attempting to purchase hormonal birth control pills or condoms. Under the new law, possession or use of any "Plan B" contraceptive by rape victims would be subject to the death penalty, "As God intended." Said Boehner.
Congressmen Paul Ryan (R-Looserville) and Rand Paul (R-Crazyton) then took the stage to describe the legislation, which features mandatory chastity belts for all females, regardless of age.
Congressman Paul explained, "Not only will these Safety Belts prevent rape, even when the woman is clearly asking for it, only qualified husbands will have access to the keys, and only after swearing an oath to return them after conception is achieved."
Congressman Ryan elaborated, "For their own safety, the keys to single women's chastity belts will be secured at their nearest republican congressman's office until her husband presents a DOMA compliant marriage license signed by a Priest, Pastor, or Rabbi."