WASHINGTON, DC - Alleged Socialist and U.S. President Barack Obama delivered a stirring address to the throngs of people gathering in his nation's capitol. Among the many topics he addressed included securing gay rights' to marriage, a complete cessation of gun violence, and more golfing.
"Despite the progress of my first term, I'm afraid that most of our journey remains incomplete," he said from the MTV Pavilion in central D.C. "So long as the audacity of hope lives among us, I give you my word that I'll never rest until every course, every putting range, or every green across this great land of ours or abroad is graced by my humble presence, my winning stroke."
With his wife, Michelle, in attendance and a shocked Vice-President Joe Biden looking on, Obama laid out his vision for what an America four years from now will look like.
"Even today, my advisors are considering the limits of my Executive Powers and Constitutional privilege to guarantee every golfer has an electric cart, and every month of mine has a two-week vacation."
The President openly challenged his critics, mostly the Republicans in Congress, for bringing a 'do nothing' attitude to Washington when all he's tried to do is enact positive change despite the fact that polls show nearly seventy percent of average Americans stand united against his vision for a Utopian state.
"I've been clear all along of my deepest intentions, my dearest hopes for this great land," Obama assured the audience. "From the beginning of my political career, I've stood for the principles of freedom for me and my family, for the oppression of anyone who stands in opposition to the furtherance of my career, and for a three-over-par score. Any man, woman, or child tells you otherwise should thank Allah I haven't found them yet."