Written by Norm Al Guy
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Saturday, 12 August 2006

image for DHS Publishes New Survival Guidelines
Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff

This afternoon, in an attempt to prepare our citizens to meet the latest challenges on the war on terror, Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff met with journalists at Pinal Air base near Tucson, AZ. In a 10 minute briefing, Secretary Chertoff outlined some of the immediate measures recommended by the Department for Homeland Security (DHS) as well as some tips to keep in mind on a longer-term basis.

"One of the first thing every citizen must do is to declare the Culligan Man persona non-grata and put him on their no-entry list. While there has been no evidence suggestive of an eminent threat from the Culligan Man, the sceptre of the threat his expertise represents cannot be lightly dismissed," Secretary Chertoff remarked.

Bottled water will now be considered a Class 2 Controlled Substance. Purchasing a case of bottled water will require you to submit an application in triplictae, two copies of which have to be notarized. After a 30 day review period, you will be permitted to buy two cases of bottled water. You may not submit an application more than once every 30 days.

DHS believes that swimming pools represent a clear and present danger to our way of life. He recommends draining all private pools or at least, enclose them and secure them with RFID enabled locking mechanisms. Public pools will all be patrolled by a contingent of Navy Seals with authorization to use deadly force against water traffickers.

Some of the longer term plans for DHS and our fearless citizens include some rather unusual ideas.

"All rivers have to be diverted to Bangor, Maine. That's the only place we have where we feel we can adequately secure and neutralize all threats," Mr. Chertoff remarked. Long term, our goal is to build underground channels, again with RFID controlled access, for our nation's rivers."

Lakes and other water reservoirs seem to be the next DHS target. There are experimental systems being evaluated that will allow states to dehydrate their lakes and water reservois and store the dried water in decommisioned Titan missile silos. KBR, a Halliburton company, has been identified as the contractor that will retrofit the missile silos. Secretary Chertoff said that this would take some research since there is apparently no verified way to rehydrate the dried water. Secondly, the former Soviet Union has raised strong objections to the use of these silos that were decomissioned under the historic START. Also, senator Ron Coleman (R-MN) has promised to fight this measure. "We will never accept to be called Land of Dried Lakes," Senator Coleman thundered in an address to the US Senate.

"Long term, every responsible American will have to make plans to move to Southern Arizona. Our intelligence has determined that the dry conditions there offer the best chance for our survival."

"Katrina, Rita, the tsunami, the rains in New England, New York and Pennsylvania - look at all these disasters. Water is the common element to all these great disasters," Mr. Chertoff announced. Reuters correspondent Norm Al Guy remarked that these were natural disasters. "We have not yet eliminated Al Qaeda and other Islamic Fascists as the cause of these disasters," Secretary Chertoff responded. "Think about it, these are religious fanatics - perhaps they prayed real hard for all those disasters to happen. It is our position that ultimately, the only way we can win this war on terror is by moving away from water. Why do you think they live in the driest parts of the world? Americans will only be safe in dry climates."

In a separate incident, Bloomberg reports that the entire state of Arizona and some parts of California, New Mexico and Texas were acquired in a large land deal by Shylock & Attilla, a fully owned subsidiary of US conglomerate Halliburton.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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