Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 20 January 2013

image for The TSA Says Bye-Bye To Airport Body Scanners
A photo of Milwaukee's Beer Suds International Airport. (Photo courtesy of Bob Uecker).

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After embarrassing millions of airport travelers, the Transportation Security Administration has announced that within five months all airport full-body scanners will be unplugged and removed from all of the nation's airports.

TSA Executive Director Wendell Milkwater spoke with Tilapia Frisbee of The Right Coast Illustrated Revue and pointed out that the congressional committee known as The Airport Full-Body Scanning Committee has suggested that the president do away with the TSA full-body scanners.

Mr. Milkwater wanted it made perfectly clear that the fact that there are presently over 3,700 class action lawsuits that have been filed against the federal government had nothing at all to do with the decision.

He went on to say that recent research studies actually indicated that the flying public had pretty much gotten used to the customary full-body scans and invasive pat downs and had basically adopted the Oh well whatever attitude.

LAX Spokesperson Clovis Baxter Shamdoddle commented that he personally hates to see the full-body scans and pat downs eliminated since it will mean that every airport will have to lay off some of their federal employees.

TSA Pat Down Agent Buford Finnyfox, who is employed at Denver's John and Bob Denver International Airport stated that now he and his significant other, Earwood "Funny Fingers" Cudcookie, who is also a TSA pat down agent, will both end up losing their jobs.

Finnyfox remarked that they'll both end up collecting federal unemployment, federal food stamps, and federal cheese.

SIDENOTE: Wendell Milkwater stated that the 250 airport full-body scanners presently in service throughout the United States will all be sold on eBay.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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