New York, NY - The state of New York is moving to ban assault shakers, according to a spokesman from the governor's office, Mr. Harry Pepper.
"We have no issue, now, with salt shakers. But who, in their right mind, needs an assault shaker?", Mr. Pepper stated.
Details about how to distinguish an assault shaker from a salt shaker are still solidifying. However, here are some of the salient features of an assault shaker.
Holds enough salt to give 30 people high blood pressure, possibly resulting in death or injury.
Has a handle for non-stop shaking and carrying.
Has a drab metallic appearance. (Salt shakers are ornamental.)
Citizens will have a week to turn in their assault shakers after which SWAT teams will enter every residence in New York to do surprise searches on a random basis in the wee hours of the morning.
The federal government, according to Mr. Black of the White House press core, is also planning to attack assault shakers.
Also to be banned, containers of salt large enough to reload an assault shaker several times. Only single-serving packets of salt will be permitted, and blood pressure will be measured prior to purchase.
All purchasers of salt will be registered, and they will have to pay an additional amount on their mandatory (it's a tax) health insurance, per Mr. Black.