Wes Gunn, CEO of Tactical Response, a Tennessee company that specializes in tactical weapons and training was taken aback that his threat to use his private arsenal of AR-15s, rocket launchers, hand grenades, surface-to-air Stinger missiles and personal mercenary contingent to "start killing people" was misconstrued by many both in and out of Tennessee. In response to news reports that President Obama might use his executive authority to rein in the giving away of automatic weapons at gun shows and church socials no-questions-asked except "Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior"?, Gunn posted a threatening U-tube video. It said: "I'm not f'g putting up with this... if it goes one inch further, I'm going to start killing people."
In the furor that followed his posting, Gunn either walked back or reaffirmed his initial posting when he assured Americans the next day that he was absolutely NOT a mass killer and that he would "take great pains to just wound a gazillion people rather than kill a lot."
Today, Mr. Gunn was accompanied by his AR-15 semi-automatic rifle and his attorney Potter Plant at yet another hastily called press conference. "Ah and ma l'il ole magazine-fed semEYE-auto would like to apolOWgize for some really bad shit that Ah said yesterday. Ah have no desire whatsoever to ever ever actuate the rotating lock bolt right here by setting this here direct gas impinged stroke piston in motion and do half the shit Ah'd said Ah'd do. Ah still am aginst the government tell anyone they is too nuts to own a gun, but Ah intend to work through ma elective folks to let gun nuts keep their guns..." His attorney waved reporters off before Gunn could say anything else.
"In the wake of the gunning down of 20 six year olds and seven adults in a primary school in Connecticut by a deranged man armed with a semi automatic AR-15 tactical weapon, Americans are understandably touchy about a CEO of a tactical weapons company a) appearing deranged, b) having access to a cache of weapons more lethal than a sharp- edged piece of paper, and c) talking out loud about using his arsenal in the military manner for which it was intended," explained gun culture expert Doctor William K. Umbaya of the City University of New York.
NRA spokesman Jethro Tullson of Ruby Ridge, Idaho said Americans needed to "lighten up and learn how to be Americans." He did not mince words from then on.
"The Founders like that Franklin guy, your Jeffersons, Washingtons and Roosevelts all intended for every American capable of twitching their index finger to have a bunch of guns with magazines that can shoot a gazillion times before taking whole seconds to reload. It's just natural. That's why they gave us our God-given Second Amendment right to own guns and shoot and kill people with them. Once you try to stop the killing people part the horse's nose is under the tent, then the horse's hind parts and pretty soon the whole horse has taken over your tent. Next thing you know you can't even shoot your Bushmaster from a moving car in a residential neighborhood on the 4th of July while drunker than shit. The guvmint dictated regulations means stuff to read that'll slow you down more than it takes to reload a 1,000 round magazine," Tullson almost finished.
"If guns for lunatics are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns," he added.
There was no attorney present to usher Jethro out or at least make him stop.