Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Police, Baby, Fighting, melee

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

image for Baby Showers Banned In Massachusetts Until Further Notice
Several members of the Stoughton Police Department shown entering the Clam Chowder Club.

STOUGHTON, Massachusetts - Members of the Stoughton Police Department are still shaking their heads over the free-for-all melee that took place at a baby shower which was being held at The Clam Chowder Club in downtown Stoughton.

SPD Spokesperson Faye Lucinda Fosterflicker, told the news media that police were called when the group of 200 party goers began pushing, shoving, and fighting.

A group of 40 officers responded to the call and when they arrived they were met by flying beer bottles, wine bottles, tequila bottles, and baby bottles.

Esmeralda Apalachicola, an eyewitness who was attending the shower, told officers that the fracas apparently started when two males each claimed that they were the baby-to-be's father.

Four males were arrested along with an 89-year-old woman who reportedly hit a 19-year-old male over the head with her walker.

Another female, who gave her age as between 93 and 97, was stopped as she was in the process of throwing an ice sculpture of a baby carriage at one of the police officers.

Ms. Fosterflicker noted that 17 individuals had to be tasered including the 84-year-old grandmother of the mama-to-be, who allegedly somehow got a hold of a Louisville Slugger baseball bat and started swinging it at one of the waiters.

When asked why she had attacked one of the waiters she replied because he had made a sarcastic remark that she was so fat that she made Moby Dick look like a damn friggin guppy.

The entire incident is being investigated by the Massachusetts attorney general who has issued a directive that effective immediately all baby showers within the state are banned until further notice.

SIDENOTE: Ms. Fosterflicker stated that one of the police officers found $825 in food stamps underneath the destroyed-all-to-hell baby shower cake. The rightful owner can claim the food stamps at the SPD headquarters at his or her earliest convenience.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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