Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 21 January 2013

image for Rhode Island Places Strict Restrictions On Attack Hamsters
A normal hamster that has been fully trained to be an attack hamster.

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island - According to recent government studies, the state of Rhode Island has more hamsters than any other state in the entire United States.

Professor Saxton B. Funderburken, head of the Agriculture Department at Chicken of the Sea Jr. College in Bangor, Maine, recently noted that exactly why the smallest state in the union has so many hamsters is still being investigated.

The professor pointed out that one independent study conducted last September, stated that the reason why the state has so many hamsters is due to the fact that Rhode Island is the most hamster-friendly state of all the 50 states.

He proved this by revealing that the average Rhode Island household has 4.1 hamsters, which is way higher than the national average of 1.2.

The state's attorney general Baxter Dragoonski, 53, recently issued a directive that places a restriction on the hamster element that is known as attack hamsters.

Most people have never heard of attack hamsters and the attorney general pointed out that when it comes to providing home security and an excellent warning system attack hamsters are actually better than Doberman Pinschers, Rottweilers, German Shepherds, or peacocks.

He did want to explain that the reason for the restrictions on attack hamsters was because just since last Halloween, there have been at least 71 reports of attack hamsters attacking visiting relatives, neighbors, and in one instance two Jehovah's Witnesses.

SIDENOTE: Attorney General Dragoonski has disclosed that effective February 14, 2013, each Rhode Island household will only be allowed to have one attack hamster. He added that if anyone is caught having more than one attack hamster they could be fined up to $19,000 per each hamster.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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