Written by Michael Balton
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Saturday, 12 January 2013

image for New Gun Control Ideas Are 'Run Up the Flagpole'
"Do I have your attention now, class?"

Washington DC -- The presidential task force to control gun violence is floating several ideas through the national media to get public reaction before it releases its final report.

Panel head Vice President Joe Biden put it this way: "Before we go shooting our mouths off, we want to make sure we're on target. So we're going to run some concepts up the flagpole and see who salutes."

Among the panel's recommendations are these proposals:

Disarm the Military. The United States is spending more on its military than the next 17 nations combined. It's no wonder there are so many assault rifles and automatic weapons lying about. The solution: trade each soldier's rifle for a tool box and put him to work on our fixer-upper of a nation.

Replace Rifles with Ball-and-Powder Muskets. These are the "arms" that the Second Amendment is talking about. Good luck trying to load one.

Bribe Hunters with Free Food. A monthly shipment of mouth watering Omaha Steaks can bump venison off the menu for good.

Arm Postal Workers To Protect Teachers. Mail carriers and post office staff have regularly exhibited above-average skills with automatic weapons. Now that they don't have much mail to deliver, let's put that marksmanship to good use.

Disarm Hollywood. Prohibit guns from appearing in films, TV shows and video games. Let's see if these so-called creatives can come up with something better than crappy cop shows and mindless first-person shooters.

Lockup All Loonies. This particular proposal has been permanently tabled because it would directly affect too many members of Congress.

Blame God. The fact that He moves "in mysterious ways" sheds little light on the problem. If we wanted a mystery, we would read John Grisham.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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