Written by Sam Marx
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Saturday, 12 January 2013

PRINCETON, NJ: The Princeton University men's basketball team could not have been more thrilled upon receiving the 13th seed in the east bracket and matchup against the number 4 seeded Kentucky Wildcats in the NCAA Tournament. Despite being heavy underdogs in terms of pure basketball ability, Princeton head coach Sydney Johnson is confident that his team will be able to disrupt Kentucky's impressive guards by relentlessly asking them a combination of math and critical reading questions from this year's SAT.

"We've got a handful of guys on this team who can flat out dominate a standardized test," said Johnson, "and well, let's be honest, I highly doubt that Terrance Jones is going to be able to blow by his man while trying to find the slope of a line. There's just no chance."

Princeton forward Ian Hummer told News From Last Thursday that at the opening tip he plans to read Kentucky's leading scorer, Brandon Knight, a generic short story about an endangered species, then throughout the first period relentlessly ask the SEC Freshmen of the Year a series of related multiple choice questions.

"If he's smart he'll ask me to read it twice before getting started with the questions, but I think he'll jump right in and not even let me finish," said Hummer. "He's going to be so lost."

ESPN Analyst Jay Bilas was on hand at the Tigers final practice before the big dance. Bilas says that as senior guard Dan Mavraides worked on three point shots, Coach Johnson's message could be heard ringing throughout the gymnasium.

"Keep your arm steady, Dan. Steady is to unfettered as brazen is to shy."

As of press time, Kentucky Head Coach John Calipari was on the phone scrambling to explain to freshman guard Doron Lamb how to find numbers in a series.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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