Washington DC - Forget about trillion dollar coins. A request by President Obama for new ways to pay off the national debt has prompted an avalanche of better scams and more sophisticated innovations designed to rescue America from bankruptcy.
In fact, the White House received so many suggestions, it had to create a Department of Unconventional Monetary Bailouts (DUMB) to sift through all the ideas, suggestions and comments.
Obama put Vice President Joe Biden in charge of the new agency. "When it comes to a DUMB leader, no one surpasses the expertise of Joe Biden," Obama said.
Of the hundred of thousands of entries DUMB received, the new agency selected these five for immediate implementation:
Produce Palladium-Plated Lincolns. Turn these gas guzzlers into collectibles by dipping them in molten palladium. Have Daniel Day-Lewis endorse the shiny result on the Home Shopping Network.
Print Million-Dollar Postage Stamps. Printing errors can convert ordinary postage stamps into lickable fortunes. Why not make such mistakes "accidentally on purpose" to create a new currency more valuable than gold?
Issue Customized Birth Certificates. Every American has a story to tell, and it usually has nothing to do with the truth. Let them make it up as they go along by offering "fill in the facts" birth certificates at a premium price. The government could net billions running the scam.
Sell Drug Trafficking Passports. The government lost the war on drugs decades ago, but is still fighting in the trenches like a senile soldier. Instead it should cash in on narcotics prohibitions by issuing drug trafficking passports to the major cartels.
Paint the Debt Ceiling Sky Blue. "This will give the illusion that there are no limits to DUMB," Biden said.