Written by Dr. Billingsgate
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Friday, 11 January 2013

image for Obama To Ban Shotgun Weddings: Calls It Asymmetrical Warfare
Don't Shoot!

BILLINGSGATE POST - Vice-President Biden announced today that he will recommend to the President that shotgun weddings be banned. A shotgun wedding is a situation in which a girl gets knocked up and the family forces the boy and girl to get married.

"There are three reasons why this ban should take place immediately: First, since the boy and girl carry no weapons, it's asymmetrical warfare, pure and simple. Second, since up to 70% of children are born out of wedlock, it's an anachronism. Third, and most importantly, because same-sex couples cannot avail themselves of this quaint practice, it's unconstitutional."

The best examples of asymmetrical warfare are the terrorist attack on 9/11 and the war in Afghanistan: conflicts between nations and groups that have disparate military capabilities and strategies. Biden believes that this type of warfare is inherently unfair, especially when used against innocent teenagers.

Regarding the growing number of children being born out of wedlock, the Vice-President's concern is that looking up the barrel of a shotgun aimed at one's family jewels may not be the deterrent it was 50 years ago before the invent of new bullet-proof body armor.

And now, with same-sex marriages taking place in the National Cathedral in Washington, Biden's concern is that if you allow the fathers of heterosexual couples to bring shotguns into the cathedral, you would have to allow the fathers of same-sex couples the same privilege or face constitutional challenges.

John Wayne's comments on gun control:

"Now you understand. Anything that goes wrong, anything at all...your fault, my fault, nobody's fault...It don't matter...I'm gonna blow your head off. It's as simple as that."

"I never shot nobody I didn't have to."

"Don't say it's a fine morning or I'll shoot ya."

"I'm not worried about your butt!...I'm gonna blow your head off."

"Don't shoot. I'll marry your daughter. Is that your daughter?...SHOOT!"

NUFF SAID

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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