In a dubious mishap, the president of the United States, Barack Obama, lost the first two trillion dollar coins that were minted at the US mint when he put them into a White House vending machine. Apparently, the president was given the coins a month ago to bring to Congress and demonstrate just how small a trillion dollars was and to tell everyone to: "Just shut the fuck up and give everybody raises". The president's point was well taken as Congress immediately granted all of them a raise as well as VP Joe Biden who was seen leaving Congress after the vote singing: "Money for nothing and your chicks for free".
Apparently, the president never did return the coins to the Federal Reserve, instead using them to taunt the Chinese government by standing on the sidewalk outside that country's embassy while flipping the coins and shouting: "Here you go you big lunk heads! All the money we borrowed from you can now sit in a bowl of steamed rice. WHOOOOOO! Heads you get them, tails you don't. Oooops! It's tails! You lose! Enjoy! We open Christmas too!"
Afterwards, the president put the coins in a suit coat pocket and simply forgot about them until this morning when he used them to purchase a bag of Doritos and a couple of Pop Tarts from the White House Vending Machine. It wasn't until later on in the day that the Federal Reserve called him inquiring about the coins well being, and to see if he still wanted to keep his face on the head of each coin and Joe Biden's butt on the tail.
Addressing the press earlier this afternoon the president stated:
"Man, I'm sorry everyone. I guess I had a really bad brain fart this morning. I honestly forgot all about those coins when I used them in the Belt-Buster vending machine. I just thought they were Susan B. Anthony dollar coins, although when I looked at the head, I was surprised that Susan B. Anthony was bald".
"Not to worry everyone, we are making every effort to recover the coins. We found out that the machine was emptied shortly after the coins were deposited by the company that provides the vending machines which is named A Lotta Fat. The company told us that the employee who emptied it came into the office afterward, cussed everyone out, gave everyone the finger, crapped in the middle of the office floor, used a magic marker to put a Fu-Manchu on their Tony Romo poster and then left. The owner was pretty upset about the Tony Romo thing and told us the guy is definitely unwelcome at this year's Super Bowl party which will be attended by the 1966 Dallas Cowboy cheerleading squad".
"Man, what a loser".
"Hey! Get a load of this! The guy's name is Johnny Billion! Sheesh, I guess he'll be changing his name to Johnny Trillion now".
"Not to worry, we'll be looking for that too. Believe me".
"We do know that he used one of the trillion dollar coins at a Chinese' dry cleaners to pick up some dry cleaning. The owners gave Mr. Billion 602 Billion dollars in change, mostly ones, the title to the state of Wyoming, a Justin Bieber CD and three coupons for free dry cleaning of 3 shirts and 2 slacks".
"We have already come across some suspicious activity as someone has contracted Long Fence to build a security fence along the border of the state of Wyoming. We'll keep you abreast of the situation although it might just be a situation of neighboring states wanting to keep Yosemite Sam out of their back yards. If anyone is the face of gun ownership gone awry it's Yosemite Sam".
"There is no need to worry if we do not recover the coins. We can always mint a whole bunch more of them".
In other news some guy who has chosen to remain anonymous has just purchased the entire country of Bolivia for an undisclosed sum of money.