Written by Michael Balton
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Wednesday, 9 January 2013

image for Congress to Star in a Super Bowl Commercial
Between takes, the lawmakers hid their charisma behind pairs of complimentary Foster Grants.

Hollywood - Faced with the lowest approval rating in the history of approval ratings, the United States Congress plans to promote itself with a television ad produced specifically to run during the Super Bowl.

"Everybody keeps making fun of us," cried John Boehner (R-Ohio). "That makes me sad. But then they let me star in the commercial, and that makes me glad."

Produced and directed by the legendary Clint Eastwood, the thirty-second spot begins with a statement: "We play a game that is more exciting than football."

The ad then cuts to a group of children, competing to kick a can down a rural road. Amid shouts of laughter, the kids are surprised as Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Eric Cantor, Joe Biden, Paul Ryan and Boehner pop into the scene and quickly take over the game.

The can is ultimately propelled over a cliff, and the tagline is delivered: "The United States Congress... where America goes for a swift kick in the can."

Costing $5 million to produce, and consuming $4 million worth of Super Bowl airtime, the commercial is being loudly criticized as a waste of money by leading Republicans and Democrats alike.

Former President Bill Clinton demanded: "Does anyone realize how many cigars you can buy for $9 million?"

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg stated: "Clint Eastwood is one of those gun nuts, isn't he? Put two and two together, America: Congress is the source for all these bloody murders and sugary drinks."

Declared Donald Trump: "This Congress is the best argument for a dictatorship that I have ever seen. When do I start?"

Meanwhile, the commercial has already won critical acclaim in France, capturing the Bankrupt Nation Explanation Award at the Cannes Film Festival.

Commenting on the award, Clint Eastwood said he was originally going to use his signature talk-to-the-empty-chair concept for the Congressional commercial. But budget limitations quashed the idea.

"I had my eye on this solid oak dinette set, but I just couldn't justify the price."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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