Written by Felix Minderbinder
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Topics: George W. Bush, Iraq

Tuesday, 8 August 2006

image for White House Unveils "Burger Plan" to Prevent Civil War in Iraq
A protest against Bush's burger plan

WASHINGTON (UPI)-Insisting that Iraq "isn't really" sliding into civil war, President George W. Bush has unveiled his new "Burger Plan" to promote democracy in the war-torn country.

Bush held a press conference at the largest Mcdonald's restaurant in Washington, DC on Monday, where he happily munched on a Big Mac hamburger supplied by the fast food chain. He said that Halliburton has been contracted to build at least 5,000 Mcdonald's restaurants throughout Iraq to supply "virtually unlimited" burgers at cut-rate prices to the hungry nation.

"These burgers will promote American-style democracy throughout that war-torn country," said Bush, after burping. "Of course, we'll need to send more soldiers to protect those burger joints and to cook them. Gee, I thought up this plan all by myself."

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice added, "Since Iraqis are sorta making a choice for civil war, or, I think, even already in civil war, burgers are obviously the only solution." She then ordered a McChicken sandwich burger with fries.

But Senator Chuck Hagel, a Nebraska Republican and influential member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, was more pessimistic and questioned whether the US should keep sending more burgers and troops to Iraq to man the new Mcdonald's restaurants.

Hagel said this country cannot "ask them to do the things that we're asking them to do like steal oil for Exxon Mobil in the middle of a civil war, cause they really are in the middle of a civil war anyway aren't they? We are ruining our United States Army. We are decimating our army. We can't continue with the tempo and the commitment that we are on right now," Hagel said on CBS Face the Nation.

A spokesman for McDonald's stated that his company was pleased to be called on to help recruit 50,000 new workers for its restaurants and the US military in order to expand its overseas operations.

Last Thursday, General Peter Pacer, chairman of the US Joint Chiefs of Staff, and General John Abizaider-raider, the top US commander in the Middle East, told a Senate committee that Iraq "sure was" in civil war, and that maybe burgers would help. "We could plant some WMDs in the new Mcdonald's restaurants too," added Pacer.

The Israeli government promptly announced a similar plan to build a string of Kosher restaurants in Lebanon, Syria and Iran to serve Matzoh Ball soup and other native delicacies in order to appease the disgruntled local populations.

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