Nashville, Tennessee - A group of pediatric surgeons at Wonderanawe Hospital, Nashville's premier facility for "outside-the-norm treatments" (according to their website), have announced today that they plan to join a set of identical twins at the hip.
The twelve-year-old girls are to be surgically joined at the behest of their parents, Luvie and Bubby Dumaas. The twins, Seven2 and Eight25, named to "honor" their parents' birthdates, were fully compliant, even excited, with the upcoming conjoining.
A pre-surgical party is in the works, complete with magicians, clowns and "cousins by the dozen," says Luvie. "I been not sleeping for a week plannin' this party, and I ‘spect we'll be seein' kin we didn't know we had. C'mon down, ya'll, get yourself a microphone in the face. We ‘spect that New York paper, whatsisname, be wantin' to scribble down what all we say!"
Dr. Bibbentuck, the lead surgeon, was reached by phone for comment. "Though the surgery is path-breaking, perhaps setting a new trend, it is not outside the range of the thinkable, possibly even normative, if you know twins. They have always been inseparable in the figurative sense, and all we're doing is creating inseparable in the literal sense. Our team, when approached by the PR firm of MakeItHappen, initially rejected the idea. But over time and careful persuasion by MakeItHappen - the rumors about the cash are FALSE, I'd like you to know, far less than you'd think, really - we came to see the reasonableness of the request. You should know, too, that our attorneys investigated this issue carefully and can find no fault, medical-legally. It's the equivalent of sufferers of a condition wherein they have a leg or arm removed, believing that it doesn't ‘belong' to them…only in reverse, I guess."
Dr. Bocksarox, a psychiatrist who limits his practice to identical twins, confirmed that they are naturally bound to one another. "They feel as if they are one person, and for their entire lives are constantly looking in a mirror, so to speak. If the Dumaas twins want to be attached artificially, I can't see the harm, psychologically speaking. Twelve-year-old twins can make other decisions for themselves, when and where to have sex, for instance…Why not?"
While Bubby Dumaas was laconic - "Whatever" - the twins themselves were ebullient. Seven2, the "oldest by five minutes!" could hardly contain her glee. "I'm thinking of our singing career. I mean, lookit, there's nobody else doin' conjoined out there. We'll be cool in our coveralls doin' C & W cover songs. We think Ford's gonna build us a special car, so when we come to drivin' age we can share the toolin'!"
Bubby confirmed that Ford Motors proposed designing a car for them (legal age attained, of course) with dual steering columns and a switching mechanism that allows each twin pilot-in-command control. "Yep," said Bubby. Ford promised the vehicle, assuming the future existence of Ford.
Eight25 was somewhat more circumspect. "The singin' thing sounds real cool and all, but I don't care that much about drivin', so I'm gonna let Seven2 be attached on my left side."