Written by mikewadestr
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Topics: Vampires, vampire

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

image for Gingivitis Takes the Bite Out Of Vampire
How do you like my new dentures? They even have hollowed out incisors!

New Orleans, Louisiana vampire, Bobby Belfry, has lost all of his teeth due to the affects of advanced gingivitis. This happenstance has rendered Mr. Belfry bite-less, albeit, but not flightless.

For 8,656 years and 225 days, Mr. Belfry had been living off the syrup of the sapiens ever since being a victim of a homosexual vampire while gathering wild rice in a river marsh. Had Mr. Belfry not been cut by his tribe's hunting team the previous week, this probably never would have happened.

The loss of his bite has greatly affected the excitement and exhilaration of Mr. Belfry' night life, which undoubtedly has turned as dull and boring as his day life. At least during the daytime he doesn't have to hear the demeaning toothless insults hurled by other vampires at him while tucked safely away in his coffin.

Once called the Flap of Cool, Mr. Belfry has resided himself to the constant reminder of his condition by having been dubbed by his fellow vampires as Grandpa Gums.

Initially, he adjusted to his condition by using his skill of hypnosis to seduce women and then using an ice pick to gain access to their jugular vein in order to suck out his victim's life essence with a straw. Unfortunately, this method no longer is feasible due to the development of a stigma in his right eye.

It looks like Old Man Time has is finally catching up to him.

To stave off starvation, Mr. Belfry was forced to take a job at a plasma collection center where he worked for several weeks before being fired. Apparently, he would drink the centrifuged blood of patients and replace it with a double bloody Mary. He got caught after police investigated a spike in the number of DWI's which were incurred by patients leaving the plasma collection center. The police caught him in the act red handed. Literally!

Mr. Belfry finally hit rock bottom when he was caught going door to door and posing as a blood donation collector without a license. He is now in lockup at the New Orleans city jail awaiting trial. Normally, Belfry would simply turn into a bat and fly through the jail's bars and out the window but an arthritic condition in his right shoulder has caused him to fly sideways and smack into his cells walls instead.

As of press time, it has been learned that Mr. Belfry has applied for Social Security Disability which he may get sometime in the year 2025.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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