Written by Gail Farrelly
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Monday, 31 December 2012

image for Mr. Fiscal Cliff Vows to Change His Name in 2013
Cash crisis! Whodunnit?

The 34-year-old held a press conference in Grand Central Station in NYC yesterday to let the world know of his plans.

Awaiting the start of the press conference, the crowd was entertained by the dulcet tones of the late Johnny Cash singing "A Boy Named Sue."

When Mr. Cliff stepped up to the podium, he told the crowd that he's never understood why his parents chose "Fiscal" as his first name. With a shrug, he said, "Don't blame me. It wasn't my choice." Up until recently, though, the name never bothered him, and his nickname "Fizz" suited him just fine.

But things changed, he said, in late 2012 when threat of a "fiscal cliff" confused and enraged many in the United States. Mr. Cliff, who claims to be a totally innocent bystander, became the recipient of hate mail and anonymous phone calls filled with curses and threats. On several occasions, he was pelted with rotten tomatoes when he ventured out of the house. Rain or shine, he took to wearing a long raincoat and carrying an umbrella when he appeared in public.

"It's just not fair," Mr. Cliff whined to the crowd. "Politicians created this mess, but everybody is blaming me."

He explained that he plans to keep his last name and just change the first one. Among the names he's considering (the why is shown in parentheses) are: Cliff ("Cliff Cliff may sound like a stutter, but it has a nice simple ring to it"), Barack ("Barack Cliff is kinda presidential"), Clinton ("The double C in Clinton Cliff has lots of panache.")

One listener, sprinting toward the exit of the train station, shouted, "I, for one, am not buying his claim of being total innocent in creating the mess we're in." He took the opportunity to accentuate his words by slinging a few rotten tomatoes in the direction of Mr. Cliff's baggie-wrapped head.

Ah, democracy! Ain't it grand?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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