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Friday, 28 December 2012

image for Kristen Stewart: "Let's Go Over the Fucking Fiscal Cliff Already!"
Kristen Stewart spotted wearing no makeup while shopping for blood oranges at Whole Food.Market.

Think of a polarizing figure - someone equally loved or reviled depending on who you are, someone who hates to smile, wades into risky situations, and doesn't give a damn what you think.

No, it's not John Boehner this time. It's Kristen Stewart.

In a recent interview, the 22-year-old actress refused to address the current state of her relationship with Robert Pattinson -- and instead turned her attention to the current state of "fiscal cliff" talks in Washington, D.C.

"People think they knew a lot about me before. They know even less now," said Stewart. "It's not a terrible thing if you're either loved or hated. Honestly, I don't care - it doesn't keep me from doing my shit. Sort of like Congress."

Stewart explained that she loves healthy foods and wants to better the environment, pointing out that she regularly shops at the Whole Food Market in skinny jeans and a hoodie with no makeup on, bringing home reusable bags "full of veggies."

"God, I have such a hard time fucking expressing myself," explained Stewart. "But it's like, the planet is important, and, it's like, there's too many people buying too much shit. So we shouldn't raise taxes on the wealthy. In fact, they shouldn't pay any taxes at all!"

The actress best known for playing Bella Swan went on to explain that wealthy people paid 92% taxes under President Dwight D. Eisenhower, the last Republican to balance the federal budget.

"Look, the economy was great under Eisenhower," she said. "Those so-called 'crushing' tax rates on so-called 'job creators' didn't 'strangle' the economy. America experienced a broad economic expansion, once the middle class had some money in their pockets to spend.

"But the rich weren't exactly hurting back then, either. Mitt Romney's dad was the president of AMC, and he didn't have to sell AMC to the fucking Italians so they could build Jeeps in fucking China. He made a lot of fucking money, built a lot of fucking cars, raised a big fucking family, and ran for fucking president.

"And America got a brand new Interstate Highway System, the largest public works program since the fucking Pyramids! No business could have built that, and if they did, we would probably be paying a dollar a mile to use it today!

"So, with rich people paying 92% taxes, we got all that, plus we stayed in the Space Race, fought the Cold War, got a balanced budget, and unemployment dropped below four percent.

"That's fucking horrible! Consumer confidence was through the roof. Everybody was buying shit, and having babies, and buying more shit, and having even more babies. Then, all those babies grew up to buy shit.

"When the middle class expands, do you realize what that does to the fucking planet?

"On the other hand," she explained, "when all the wealth and resources are concentrated in the hands of just a few people, the economy grinds to a halt. All of a sudden, people are out of work, which means they don't have money to buy shit anymore, which puts even more people out of work, and so on. That's great! When consumer confidence is low, people stop buying shit and having so many fucking babies.

"Christ, I hate kids!" explained Stewart.

"You know, when you say something slightly different, it throws people, but I'm comfortable doing that," she said. "I'm just like, 'Yeah, I know - I'm a fucking freak, huh?' You known what I mean? It just doesn't bother me any more.

"That's why I think the Tea Party should stick to their guns. Somebody has to stop the fucking middle class from expanding."

Born in Los Angeles, Kristen Stewart is a Californian through and through, though at one point she indicated she would have no problem with a cataclysmic earthquake wiping her home state off the map.

"In L.A., you have to be fairly selective about where you go, but I'm so fine in London," she said, shrugging. "It's similar to New York, in that people are doing their own thing and they feel like they're probably cooler than you anyway, so most of them could fuck off and die just as easily. That goes for L.A. or New York or London, honestly. Whatever. That's just less consumers in the grand scheme of things.

"It's like, 'Go, Earth,' you know?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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