Long Beach, California - (ReUterus & Associated Mess): In scenes of unprecedented desperation PM Tony Blair has sold the film rights of his as yet unwritten autobiography to a Hollywood consortium headed by Arnold Schwarzebugger (sic) after the Vatican Bank called in the mortgage on the family's bijou residence in Bayswater, West London.
Provisionally entitled "Decline and Fall of the House of Hitler", the memoir grasses up all the Opus Dei rent-boys who double-crossed and sold him the fantasy of the WMD Dodgy Dossier of 2002, the Niger Yellowcake fiasco, the award of the Congressional Medal of Honor and England beating Germany 5-0 in the World Cup final.
At a Long Beach press conference called by Governor Arnold Schwarzebugger, Blair smiled tensely through the tautly-botoxed furrows of his boyish buttocks and clutched a cheque for an estimated $6.66million as a cabal of OPEC petro-dollar movers and sheikhers finalised the graphic details of a public farewell timed to co-incide with the eve of the Blair family's annual holiday at Cliff Richards' Barbados getaway.
Provisionally scheduled for this Friday's Feast of the Immaculate Deception and co-inciding with the 106th anniversary of the birth of Elizabeth Bowes Lyon - Queen Consort of George VI until their untimely demise in a Luftwaffe bombing raid over Buckingham Palacce in September 1940 - CIA spooks are rumoured to be lining up the mother of all public exits for the Poodle Administration in Downing Street.
Special attention will be paid to Cherie after documents dating from 1964 were found in New Mexico by former FBI agents working on archival research which confirm that her only lawfully weddded spouse is the Cuban/Russian gangster who has successfully impersonated the fundamentalist asshole and P2 Lodge mercenary George W Bush for over forty years.
Meanwhile the Californian jamboree is being hailed as a special UK business promotion seminar spearheaded by Prime Monster Blair on behalf of the stem cell research by the British sperm donor industry and manufacturers of related memorabilia.
Also on the agenda was the issue of global warming and proliferation of green house gas as Blair and his Third reich cousins mulled the efficacy of a plan to vacuum up all the traffic fumes over Los Angeles and blast them into space using the Shuttle Discovery suction propeller system.
Blair is expected back in London with his entourage before attempting to head off on holiday at the weekend.
But the presence of London Mayor Ken Livingstone at a special LA town-twinning ceremony later today is rumoured to be the green light spooks and cops have agreed to use as the signal that the long-awaited Blair Shaft is now on countdown to ground-zero.