Miami, FL - Miami's first openly gay Mayor, Ronaldo "Buddy" Diaz, announced on Tuesday that the entire Miami/Dade police force would soon be taking off their clothes. Every officer in the department will be switching from their very traditional black uniform to a look taken directly from the hit '80's police drama, "Miami Vice."
Mayor Diaz explained, "Well, the biggest reason that we are making the switch from those drab old traditional uniforms to ones that are inspired by "Crocket and Tubbs" (the two main characters from Miami Vice) is that it gives our officers a more casual look, which is much less threatening to the millions of tourists that come to our city every year. We want our visitors to feel like Miami is someplace a little different, not just any other city in the U.S. of A. If they do happen to see a cop chasing a bad guy across a crowded beach, we want them to think, "Hey, am I on TV?" not, "Holy cow, I'm I going to get shot!"
Most of the officers we talked to were excited about the uniform change as well. Officer Burt Pennywhistle, who patrols the North Miami Beach area, was thrilled. "Man, its' gonna be so cool, literally! Wearing black trousers on the beach, in the middle of a Florida summer is about the cruelest act of torture a government can demand of its' police force. I can't wait to get my casual Versace white blazer and peach linen pants. I don't care what the Chief says, I can run just as fast in a pair of slip-on boat shoes as I can in my standard-issue Hush Puppies."
Indeed, in order to appease the top brass of the idea, officers were put through a barrage of tests to make certain that the new uniforms would not compromise their duties. Officers were made to run five miles in their new Top-Sider loafers, as well as prove that they could retrieve their guns and fire as quickly from the new armpit holsters. Even veteran officers were forced to run the entire cadet obstacle course to make sure the new blazers and rolled up pants didn't get caught on fences and other impediments, during a chase. Each officer also underwent strenuous peripheral vision tests with their new white Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses, which will replace the standard issue mirrored aviator style glasses.
But the Miami/Dade Chief of Police, Norm Ironside, is still not in love with the new look and thinks that would-be criminals are not going to take the officers as seriously when confronted. "I just don't think that a robber is gonna give the same respect to an officer wearing pink pants and a five o'clock shadow." Said a gruff Chief Ironside. "Plus, the dry cleaning bill for these new clothes is gonna be outrageous."
Still, Mayor Diaz and his staff are convinced that even with the added laundry costs for the new uniforms, the move will help improve tourism dramatically. "We've done our research." Told an exuberant Diaz. "In places like Germany, reruns of Miami Vice have enjoyed top-ratings since it was sadly taken off the air in 1989. Germans, The Irish, The Saudis even, these people all love "Miami Vice" as much as I do, and are big spenders when they come on vacation. We want that money to stay here in Miami and not go up to Disney World or some other place." Explained an overly chipper Diaz. "Its' going to be fabulous." He added zestfully.
We asked Mayor Diaz if the Miami/Dade squad cars will be replaced with white Ferrari Testarossas, or if the officers will be given million dollar sailboats to live on, to complete the "Miami Vice" ensemble. He had this to say, " I Wouldn't rule it out as a possibility for future episodes, err, budget talks."