Pro-gun association CEO, and Nobel Peace Prize nominee wannabe, Gunther "Gunn" Bullet, issued a special Saturday night announcement that his organization will lobby Congress on Monday, urging lawmakers to fund the development, production, and nationwide distribution of a small handgun better-suited for the smaller hands of grade schoolers so that they can all be armed and ready to defend themselves, their classmates, their teachers, and their schools the next time some crazy son of a gun enthusiast attacks a school with an assault rifle. Bullet added that had even one of the 20 dead children been armed, they could have stopped the attacker in his tracks and proved the importance and sanctity of the Second Amendment and "open carry" and "concealed carry" laws nationwide.
Bullet further suggested that given the short attention spans of most Ritalin-addled kids these days, there's no need to train the first graders how to react during an attack beyond telling them to "just shoot the bad man". (Note: The amended media release from the lobbyists replaced the word "black" with "bad, jauntily adding, "my bad".)
The proposed First Grader's First Gun will be an automatic with the default setting being "Empty the Mag" so that although it's bullets will be small-calibre, the rapid ripple-fire of the entire mag will offset the calibre and whatever the kid points it at first will be distracted from his goal of mass murder. If several students engage the attacker, then maybe they'll kill him before he kills many of them.
Bullet stated that the "gun culture" decried recently by that "pansy" Bob Costas needs to be nurtured from an early age and Friday's incident is a golden opportunity to tell America and the world why that gun culture is so necessary. While Bullet didn't say necessary for what, one of his minions issued a clarification stating that he meant the gun culture is necessary for the continuance of pro-gun lobbyists, of Bullet's near-million-dollar annual salary, and of his "I'm the NRA" ad campaign. He added that if it weren't for these high-profile incidents, the right to bear arms would be forgotten and the self-preservation of pro-gun groups and fundraising would drop precipitously.