Lily Pond Lane, The Hamptons, Long Island - (AssoCIAted Mess): Federal Agents are reported to be taking no chances as serial plagiarist, fraudster and trans-atlantic terrorism co-ordinator JK Rowling prepares to descend on the hapless residents of Long Island this week for a personal rendition of George W Bush's 9/11 'My-Pet-Goat' style public reading of Harry Potter to the witless masses of New Jersey.
Press reports in the UK have noted that Rowling has rented a $50,000 per week deluxe waterfront mansion in The Hamptons for her summer holiday and will be milking even more publicity with the hare-brained scheme of entertaining thousands of innocent American children with a hoary recital of some Harry Potter chapters, much in the manner of the well-rehearsed fiasco in Florida on the morning of 11 September 2001 when George W Bush staged his 'totally-gobsmacked-in-public' reaction to the destruction of the World Trade Centre twin towers in Lower Manhattan.
Rowling has so far exuded US Supreme Court confidence in public that she will not be arrested and charged with stealing all seven Harry Potter titles and passing them off as her own work, following dirty dealings with No10 Downing Street and the UK's second top most disgusting family the Astors.
But the talentless plagiarist has been trailed by all the world's leading security/intelligence services since the mid-1990s including Mossad, the CIA, MI6 and France's 'Canard Enchainee'.
After a positive DNA match between Rowling and George W Bush by the UK's National Poisons Unit back in 1992, spooks worldwide have trailed every move this cunning impostor has ever made.
Her meteoric rise to public acclaim as the reputed rightful author of the Harry Potter stories had the agencies first quaking with uncontrollable laughter before the more sinister persona began to emrege from behind the celebrity smoke screen.
Following lengthy negotiations with the genuine Harry Potter author who submitted all story manuscripts for publishing under the Rowling pen name back in 1990, spooks around the globe agreed a modus operandi that involved allowing so-called wholesome Joanne and her UK publishers a lengthy leash.
"The good shepherd leadeth his sheep up the garden path" was how one US National Security Agency top brass put it after Rowling was officially diagnosed as terrorism co-ordinator extraordinaire with connections to a perverts' cabal working for North Korea's President Kim Jong Very ill Indeed.
But as world terrorism atrocities worsened and began to climax following the collapse of Texan oil gian Enron in 2001, NATO military Intelligence began to make its move.
Confidential reports from department of Homeland Insecurity this weekend have implied that the holiday mansion that Rowling is about to invade with her cutesy bona fide family and entourage of servants has been given the FBI's five star bugging treatment and that a special gala of appreciation will be staged for her by law enforcement professionals at the end of the coming week, to co-incide with the 106th anniversary of the birth of that other peerless doyenne of global grand deception, the Queen Mother.