Atlanta, GA -- Chris B. Kream (not her legal name), the self-styled ‘Cat Whisperer' called a press conference today to offer apologies to her followers - "upwards of ten now" - and to make amends, she says, for her "bad cat" advice. She intends to offer re-training to her cat-clients that "should" revert them to their former selves.
Kream had been hired by tens of cat owners to modify certain undesirable behaviors that she had advised on her website were signs of serious trouble in the future, the NEAR future. Some cat behaviors, the site said, were "prodromals" for more severe "acting out." She likened these signs to the serial-killer triad of bedwetting, small animal killing and fire-starting.
Based on her intensive three-week study of cats, she has found the kitty-correlates of the triad:
1. Intentional hairball regurgitation on owner's things - shoes, couch, iPod, etc.
2. Obsessive attachment to ‘mice' despite obvious non-living/toy status.
3. Stoner response to catnip with excessive purring, dilated pupils, increased appetite, eye-contact avoidance, etc.
Kream's program involved training the cat to spew its hairballs in the wastebasket or toilet, removal of ‘mice' and any object that ‘triggered' a stalking mode and absolutely zero tolerance for any substances "so very like pot."
"I didn't actually whisper to the cat…Well, neither does that dog whisperer, but, I mean, I feel like I may have done a disservice to my clients. I mean, ALL my clients had the 'serial-killer' behaviors, so I had to look at this again. This was logical, I mean."
Kream says she regrets, now, not speaking to animal experts before offering her services on the web. "Basically, I got the owners who were somewhat tightly wrapped anyway, emailing me in a high-priority panic to ‘do something now.' They'd say their animal had ALL the signs and they were afraid to go to sleep, hadn't slept in days, end-of-rope, that sort of thing. Many worried about Kitty Kujo somehow killing them, maybe sitting on their face in their sleep, but I think that's a myth. Isn't it?"
Kream says she understands that she was trying to train out hardwired behavior, but still insists that the "reversion therapy" she's offering is needed. When advised that her 3 signs are naturally occurring feline responses, she hastened to state: "For a limited time only, I will revert any cat that I erroneously ‘fixed' in the first place. Sure, I should have talked to vets and whatnot, before I put up my site, but NOW I've got it going on. Online, 24/7."