Written by K.C. Bell
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Topics: Germany, assault

Thursday, 27 July 2006

image for Bush's Big Squeeze
"Got ya."

It wasn't just Angela Merkle, Chancellor of Germany, who was the recipient of the sneak up, tip toe from behind, shoulder squeeze given by President George Bush; five other members of the G8 Summit were also victims of the same surprise assault. A variety of reactions followed, though none were caught on film. Would Bush have tried the same move if Hitler were still Chancellor of Germany?

When French President Jacques Chirac received his surprise bunny hug, a startle Chirac shot to his feet, towered over President Bush, and using both index and forefinger, in three Stooges fashion, twisted Bush's nose into a corkscrew. The president's Secret Service team, (trained by FEMA) came to his rescue two days later, voicing their complaint in Spanish, spoken with a thick Catalan accent.

Undaunted and still up to his rustic shenanigans, Mr. Bush's fingers froze six inches above Russian President Putin's shoulders, held away by an invisible protective magnetic field, emitting a buzzing sound, reminiscent of a Ligeti tune. Puzzled at being unable to penetrate closer to Putin's shoulders, Bush tried knocking his fist against the invisible wall, then jabbing it with a finger. "That's one heck of a condom you're wearing, Putty."

The reaction of England's Tony Blair was to giggle, while Italian Prime Minister Prodi laughed good naturally, while slipping an unnoticed clove of garlic into the President's suit breast pocket. When squeezed, Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi of Japan launched into another horrible Elvis Presley imitation, singing: Are You Lonesome Tonight; which instantly cleared the room and wilted the flowers.

Reacting with the swift step of a matador, Spain's President Jose Rodriguez Zapatero was quick to jump to his feet, sliding sideways, avoiding the playful Bush, and sending him directly into the oleander plants situated in the center divide of the conference room. "Man, feels like old times," said Bush.

Canada, located north of the United States - beneath the Arctic Circle - followed with tradition and was ignored by President Bush; failing to receive the sneak up the rear bear hug. However, whenever the President travels to a foreign country, he tells immigration he's Canadian.

It is doubtful President Bush would use his sneak tiptoe squeeze approach at a summit of nations belonging to the axis of evil. Appearing humorless, heads of North Korea, Iran, Syria, Al Qaeda, Palestine, Hezbollah, Hamas and Halliburton would resort to more serious forms of retribution other than a clove of garlic, a visit to the oleander shrub or a giggle.

"I did not giggle."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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