In another Spoof exclusive, General David Petraeus has given a statement on the sex scandal that cost him his job as head of the CIA. Petraeus was forced to step down after the exposure of an extramarital affair with Paula Broadwell, his biographer and a fellow West Point graduate. Such an affair could have compromised government secrets, according to some analysts. Here is Petraeus' statement:
I'm a four-star general. A four-star gotta have you know, some arm candy. He aint walkin' to no red carpet affair with, you know, some oldass woman with bags under her eyes an' stretch marks an' shit. A nigga gotta get a biographer, you know what I'm sayin'? To tell they story. I gotta get a biographer, she got's to be fly. You think I'm gonna be fuckin' Kitty Kelley? I aint apologizin' for likin' the young ladies.
They say she a golddigger. Shit, she forty years old. I mean, she hot for her age, but she ain't no golddigger. I be too smart to fall for that shit. Them hos, they ain't gettin' all my money. Paula, she's a classy bitch. She be fuckin' me, you know, but she ain't talkin' to nobody about it. She knows I buy her a diamond necklace every now and then, buy her some clothes an' shit, that enough for her. She know she gots a good thing.
They say Obama surprised when they told him about me and Paula. Wait till he find out about me and Michelle.
Everybody be feelin' sorry for my wife. Yeah, it's too bad. But that's between me and Holly. She married a player for life, it ain't no surprise. You gotta let a player be a player. Tiger Woods done it, Usher done it, Jude Law done it, now David Patraeus done it. Barack Obama doin' it on the side, Je Biden be gettin' some strange too, you just ain't heard it yet.
It ain't no big deal. You think I got them four stars so I could stay home and not get laid? That's the game, that's all. You want a general who ain't chasin' the pussy, you hire one of those, uh, Republican duudes. Get Rick Santorum. Yeah, that bitch. He ain't gettin' none. Tell you somethin', though. That brother that's head of Domino's Pizza, that run for president, he gettin' it all tha time.
They don't want a man runnin' they military? They lettin' gays in the military, let them have a gay general. Let Nathan Lane run their army, see how that goes. Least I ain't, you know, goin' home with no little boys. That Elmo dude, he doin' it with dudes, and they ain't even old enough. (Shakes head sadly.)
All these people talkin' 'bout threats to national security. National security, that ain't what it's all about. I ain't breachin' no national security. It about they sittin' at home ain't getting' none. They jealous. A brother up to his ass in pussy, they get mad. They be hatin', that's all. But I ain't hatin'. I got a legacy. I'm the best general since Dwight Eisenhower. Ask Peter Bergen.
The haters, they ain't got no legacy. Any of them orchestrate the invasion of Afghanistan? I didn't think so.