ASININE, Texas (ABSNN) - Deep in the heart of this tiny west Texas town is the epicenter of the Texas Secession Movement. In an old, deserted looking storefront, on an equally deserted Main Street, a silk screen print shop company is working three shifts, seven days a week, stamping "Texas Secession" logos on bumper stickers, tee-shirts, hot pink tube tops, key rings, coffee mugs, and even Top Flite Golf Balls. According to Bob "Big Tex" Jordan, "Some companies are laying off workers because Obama got elected, but not us! We're making money as if we were printing it right here!"
"It's Obama's revenge," he chortled as another gross of tee shirts was shipped to retailers in Dallas.
Big Tex Jordan was born in Dunbar, West Virginia and had never seen Texas before Tuesday two weeks ago. But Big Tex said he heard about the Texas Secession petition and had a little money set aside from "pharmaceutical sales" and decided he could invest it in the town of Asinine which, he said, he'd "never heard of before either, but found on the internet."
"I found this old print shop here for sale, online," he said, "with all the equipment and the stock of clothes and golf balls, all for next to nothing. In ten days I've already made near enough money to buy all of Podunk County."
This reporter asked Big Tex Jordan what he actually thought about the state of Texas seceding.
"Well, hells bells, I thought that whole thing was settled 150 years ago, didn't you? But what the hell do I care? The only people that'll get anything at all from this silly-assed secession bullshit are the ones like me that are selling shit to the idiots buying it; and they are buying it, as fast as I can pump it out. How cool is that? It's the American way to sell shit people don't need to people who can't afford it, and are too stupid to realize it is all bullshit anyway."
Jordan told your faithful investigator that he'd stick with the secession thing until he ran out of supplies and then head on back to West Virginia in time to plant more pharmaceuticals in April. He was asked what kind of "pharmaceuticals" he grew in West Virginia and he said, "Uuummm, a ginseng. Yeah, ginseng!"
"I don't want to miss the red buds and dog woods blooming in the hills back home," he said.
We will keep you informed.