*EXCLUSIVE* [SpoofNews-New York] At a surprise press conference today, prominent architects and pentagon officials announced a plan to revolutionize urban renewal projects. After exhaustive economic analysis, logistical research and information overload coverage of the war-torn globe, it has become abundantly clear that there actually IS something good about the destructive nature of war…particularly where there's money to be saved AND made at the same time.
The joint civilian-military venture could literally change the face of the globe. Initial indications are that closed-door discussions have future wars planned out as far as the next decade as a first phase of expected urban renewal projects from Harlem to Haight-Ashbury. Standing together at the podium, Bob D. Builder, president of American Architects Alliance, and U.S. Army General D. Zaster, Army Chief of Staff for Offensive Operations, lauded this landmark brainstorm that hawks and doves alike agree gets the greatest "bang for the buck."
It's not surprising, what with union labor charging astronomical rates for all-too-often inferior work performance. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that a few well-aimed laser-guided bombs are much less expensive than dozens of grounds crew members, jackhammers, bull dozers and dump trucks. What up to now has taken weeks and months to accomplish can be completed in a matter of minutes with military know-how.
"It's a novel approach to make good use of excess armament, there's less to clean up after a pinpoint bombing run, and much of the foundation work for reconstruction is a welcome consequence of the craters created in the process," noted D. Zaster. Builder was quick to add, "the time savings alone will make possible many more inner city improvement initiatives than ever before. There's sure to be a "boom" in the drive to eliminate urban blight.
North Korea is the first unfriendly nation to step forward with an offer to provide a nuclear alternative, promising to protect human life and only affect "uninhabited, already condemned buildings." Following suit, Al-Qaeda and Hezbollah emissaries also threw their turbans in the ring, in an effort to keep the whole concept competitive and to even the global playing field. The United Nations General Assembly also met to compile a list of "blighted cities" at various locations around the world as potential sites to conduct a pilot program.
Soon it won't be all that difficult to tell whether there's a new residential or business development coming to a neighborhood near you. Just stick your head out a window and listen for the destined to become routine "Look, up in the sky….it's a bird….it's a plane….it's a UDB….Urban Development Bomber!!"