CHICAGO - The Committee Overseeing Shoppers Actions, known as COSA, has just issued a press release which will pertain to Black Friday, starting in 2013.
Anastasia "Salsa" Lightmiggle 42, national director of COSA, stated that due to the ever-growing problem with shopper violence, assaults, brawls, fisticuffs, sheer madness, and one isolated case of bondage in the Greater San Francisco area, she has just learned that a total of 17 states have moved to ban, what she called Black Friday Hell!
Miss Lightmiggle, who is recently divorced after a 19 year roller coaster marriage, stated that her agency has received over 9,000 instances of shopping complaints over this year's Black Friday.
She noted that a 97-year-old woman identified as Emma Fayette Drumtucker, was at a Lollygag Department Store in Walla Walla, Washington, when she reportedly bit another shopper.
It appears from 47 store eyewitnesses that the other elderly shopper, identified as Odessa Eunice Burntbrick, 93, had apparently taken the last metal folding walker which had been reduced from $49.99 down to $37.97.
Mrs. Burntbrick was quickly whisked away to a nearby hospital where she reportedly is suffering from extreme trauma from the horrendous shopping experience in which Mrs. Drumtucker actually bit her smack dab on her tongue.
In a case reported at a Dilly Dally Retail Store in Poughkeepsie, New York, a Mr. Orion Ned Chillheimer allegedly rode into the store on an African elephant while he was dressed in a Tarzan outfit.
He managed to get by two security guards and he headed straight for the automotive department. He yelled out at one of the sales clerks that he needed some windshield wiper blades.
He hollered out at the clerk to hand him up the pair that were on sale and had been reduced down to $5 from $7.
Mrs. Lightmiggle stated that Mrs. Burntbrick should be released from the hospital in about four days. She then noted that "Tarzan" Chillheimer was arrested by Poughkeepsie Police and charged with riding an elephant while under the influence.
SIDENOTE: As for Mr. Chillheimer's African elephant, local authorities stated that the elephant will be returned to its rightful owner, The Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus.