Written by Asheville Jack
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Thursday, 22 November 2012

image for Speaker John Boehner on the Fiscal Cliff: "Everything's on the Table Except My Benefits"

Washington - During a Thanksgiving message to the nation, John Boener (R), Speaker of the House, revealed that he was absolutely and unswerving committed to avoiding the impending fiscal cliff at all cost.

The Speaker promised to sit down in the coming weeks with President Obama, to put the previous four years of acrimony and partisan politics to the side, if only the President didn't ask him to help foot any part of the bill in balancing the budget in the process.

"I'm willing to cut a deal with the President, even work it so doesn't cost him or his pretty little almond colored wife anything either, if he'll just leave me the hell alone afterwards," said the Speaker.

The Speaker noted that his attitude might sound a little callous to some, but he was still upset after Hurricane Sandy laid waste to one of his favorite vacation home on the Jersey shore.

"Sure," said Boehner, "the taxpayers will pick up almost all of my rebuilding cost, but that's not the point. It's just not fair that I'm still responsible for the $1000 deductible. I mean, Christ Almighty, I'm a Congressman for God's sake. I'm not one of the forty-seven per-centers who just take, take, take. I work for a living. Well, maybe not all year, but I still work."

Boehner said in his holiday message that he was willing to do whatever it takes to solve the impending economic crisis and for the citizens of this great nation to take heart, but he added, "I swear to God I'll drive this country into economic oblivion if it cost me one red cent of my retirement or tax payer funder health benefits. I promised my colleagues here in the House that any final resolution to balancing the federal budget won't cost them one single dollar either. So in closing, as Speaker, I look forward to continuing to do this nations great work. May God bless you and Happy Thanksgiving."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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