WASHINGTON, Nov. 22 -- In a pre-Thanksgiving ceremony at the White House yesterday afternoon, President Obama continued a much-beloved American tradition and forgot to pardon approximately 45,999,998 turkeys.
Cobbler and Gobbler, two turkeys who had the good fortune to be randomly pardoned, will spend the rest of their lives at Mount Vernon, the historic 50-acre home of George Washington near D.C., and, unlike the identical remaining estimated 45,999,998 turkeys, will not be confined, selectively bred, artificially inseminated, overfed, debeaked, electrocuted, disemboweled and dismembered because people particularly desire to eat their corpses in abundance on a specific day of the year. The pardoned turkeys were unable to comment due to the pressure of their genetically-enhanced breasts on their lungs; they were last seen trying unsuccessfully to hold themselves upright.
The president has previously noted that his daughters Sasha and Malia have encouraged him to spare many turkeys' lives. Following the ceremony, the presidents' daughters backed up their principled humanitarian sentiments by joining their parents in passing out "two turkeys who were not so lucky." Tonight, the Obama family will further back up their sentiments by eating a turkey.
This is the 24st year in row in which a president has pardoned two randomly chosen turkeys for the non-crime of being turkeys but conveniently forgot to pardon approximately 45,999,998 other turkeys for the same non-crime.