San Diego, CA - Mitt Romney slouched in his overstuffed chair at Boston's Fairmont Hotel on election night, watching the results come in on Fox news. Aids pandered him with praise and false patronage, as his chances of world domination slipped through his well-manicured fingertips.
Romney looked over to his younger running mate, Ryan, and stiffened his chin. "Now there's a real man." Romney thought to himself. "I couldn't have picked a better guy. If I lose, it won't be because of him and his rape-baby beliefs." He surmised.
The he looked around the room at his team of managers and minions. "Not a loser in the bunch." Romney assured himself. The same went for his five sons and their extended families. "Straight A's." He thought proudly of them all.
Then Romney turned to his wife of nearly forty years and thought; "Now here's a place where I can lay some blame. I simply can and must do better." He touted himself, smiling at Anne fallaciously.
So after a week or so of languishing around his elevator-less, four-car garage in gloomy old La Jolla Beach, CA, Romney decided to start back up the long lonely road to the White House again.
Although Mitt may have caved in on almost everything he stood for and believed in for the last two years, he never waivered from his Mormon roots. One of the fruits that grow from these roots, which Romney holds so dear, is that he is allowed to marry as many chicks as he feels like. It says so right in the rulebook.
So in an effort to kill two birds with one stone, the rascally Romney will shortly be conducting interviews for a second wife, to stand at his side while he robotically grins and makes inhuman-like arm movements towards America once again, while words come out of his mouth.
Most of these interviews will take place at Tampa, FL strip clubs and the like, where he and his team will search high and low for the perfect Latina wife. Romney Puppeteers are confidant that this wife will help nail down the much sought after Latino vote in 2016, tipping "Robot Romney" over the finish line and taking his rightful place as supreme ruler of us all.
Romney handlers also assured him that if the Latina wife they pick is hot enough, (like Selma Hayek in a Daisy Duke outfit hot), that people will soon forget all about the reality warping testaments that Mormonism convinces its' followers to roll the dice on.
It was unclear at the time this story went to press, if Romney will take on a third Black wife to help secure that voting block as well, but Michelle Obama might just be available. Word is she's mighty comfy over there at old Sixteen Hundred Pennsylvania Avenue and might entertain an offer to stay put.
Good luck Mitt, and remember buddy, get an extra cellphone. Two wives can be tricky business.