Written by TomFoolery
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Topics: Weather, Earth

Sunday, 23 July 2006

image for No Room to Assume--Doom Looming!

Ground Zero, EARTH--In what may be the last weather prognostication ever, residents of the Third Rock from the Sun were given fair warning that the concept of the "Eternal Summer" is not just a metaphorical expression...it's about to become a meterological fact.

Spoof International News (SIN) network weatherman Benn Gleck was dealt the dubious distinction of delivering the fatal final forecast. Pictured here is the symbolic representation what may be the best of worst case scenarios.

What's most significant about this obituary outlook is the fact that it covers the entire globe...for as long as there is one. It's a real shame there won't be anyone left to witness what's left when there's nothing left. And nobody will be able to brag about it. Well, what's worse? There being no one to brag to.....or no one PERIOD!!

Conditions contributing to the approaching Apocalypse, while hard to isolate, are global in their scope. The North Korean unquenched quest for nuclear notariety is building levels of high pressure in both hemispheres. Al-Qaeda is raising the barometric pressure, not to mention the blood pressure, of world leaders from Baghdad to the Beltway. Hezbollah and Israel are raining hellfire and destruction in a storm of biblical proportion.

Stocks in all major world markets plummeted on hearing the news that liquidation now has a new meaning in the grander scheme of things. Real estate has instantly transformed to a total buyers market, though few banks are offering 30-day, much less 30-year mortgages.

This just in!! Anarchy is sweeping the world!! Offices have been abandoned. Gasoline supplies have been exhausted and no one seems to care. Grocery store owners have announced that milk, bread and toilet paper are up for grabs. And, in a bizaar turn of events, used car salesmen, lawyers and unfaithful spouses have begun to tell the truth. Even stranger, liberal Democrats have agreed to become Republicans if the GOP can pull their fat out of this fatal fire!!

Most inhabitants of our ill-fated planet are fairly resigned to their self-inflicted fate. Most have begun to live life as if there were no tomorrow....hmmmm....come to think of it, soon there will BE no tomorrow. As a matter of fact, screw it.....I'm out of here!!

This is it, folks....take my advice: don't wait for the news at eleven!!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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