Written by David Grant
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Wednesday, 21 November 2012

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Black Ops Decoy

Black Friday is about to get a whole lot darker and uglier. Ex-marine Lieutenant John "Take-em'-out" Maverick is training a group of shoppers in hand-to-hand shopping techniques in expectation of the annual bloodbath that is Black Friday.

The shoppers that have signed up to this expensive course believe that it is money well spent. Felix Wimperoony remarked, "Last year a large female Traffic Warden put me in a headlock so that I couldn't talk to the sales girl. This time I will be able to take her down, no problem."

The Lieutenant told me that at 2300 hours he will lower the shoppers from his helicopter onto the roofs of several shops. There they will blow the hatches of the ventilation shafts using c4 explosive. They have been taught how to camouflage themselves inside the various departments of the stores. He showed me just how easy it is to trip someone up using the straps on a shopping bag.

I watched as he put them through their paces. "Hug the wall!" he shouted, as he showed them how to move through a large crowd of people. On the desk were the blueprints of every large store in the New York area. Some of the shoppers were in tears as they were forced to run around Messy's department store ten times.

Security at Messy's has been heightened, and when I asked a guard there if he was expecting much trouble, he replied, "Nothing we can't handle. We always figure to lose a dozen or so customers each year."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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