Washington, DC - Satirical writers from around the country gathered in a candlelight vigil at the base of that big stone penisy thing, in the middle of Washington DC, to say goodbye to yet another Republican Presidential candidate that provided more than his share of good laughs over the 2012 campaign.
"Its' really hard to let Mitt go, even though I know I have to." Said satirist, Rufus Smackdown of "You Did Not Just Say That" Magazine. "He gave us so much, with so little." Added Smackdown.
Others at the candlelight vigil felt the void too. "It's like, even though I would have never, ever voted for a creep like that in a million years, I already miss him so much." Sniffled Julie Snarky, who blogs about kittens and politics from her parent's basement in Baltimore.
The grief-stricken mass of mourners lit their candles, held hands and sung songs, remembering all the good times.
"No more forty-seven percent jokes. No more car garage-elevators. No more million dollar Olympic jumping horses. Its' all gone!" Cried a tie-dyed mourner. "His name was Mitt, for crying out loud! He will never be replaced." The young man sobbed into the arms of the stranger next to him.
"I remember once, on a windy day," recounted Barbara Blueheart, "a large chunk of Romney's perfectly shellaced hair blew backwards over his forehead. I was so shocked that it could move! For some reason, he looked so fragile and ridiculous that day. It was the simplest thing in the world and I'll miss him for that." She said tearfully.
"Remember when he stuck his dog in a cage, strapped it to the roof of his SUV and went on vacation?!" A voice in the crowd yelled out to a long, collective sigh.
"Well, we can all hope for "A better tomorrow, tomorrow!" Said Rufus Smackdown, quoting Romney's (actual) last-ditch speech to try and scrounge up some vote-moppings on the final day of his 2012 campaign.
"But doesn't that really make it the day after tomorrow? If you really do the math?" Another voice called out in regards to Romney's "a better tomorrow tomorrow" speech.
Indeed, we checked with mathematicians at American University in Washington, DC and they confirmed that "a better tomorrow tomorrow" would technically make it the day after tomorrow. "So if Romney made the speech on Tuesday, we're talking Thursday at the earliest." Said mathematician, Dr. Fritz Calcusom.
Furthermore, Romney kept repeating the phrase "a better tomorrow tomorrow" throughout what would be his last attempt at a white man's limp reenactment of a Martin Luther King style proclamation. The speech fell really flat, as you knew it would. "Repeating the catch phrase like that technically makes it the day after that, again and again. It keeps perpetuating itself." Our mathematician explained. "Until a better tomorrow tomorrow is circling saturn somewhere." Calcusom theorized.
So Romney's "a better tomorrow tomorrow" speech, wouldn't have actually made anything better for the foreseeable future. Proving once again that political mathematics are not Romney's forte.
Indeed, another four years of a guy that is not made of a waxy-like substance, won't have the same flare for political satirists, but at least the entire country won't be shoved into a cage and taken for a long ride.