Written by Chrissy Benson
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Monday, 19 November 2012

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According to scientific reports, NYC's water contains an unhealthy dose of stupid.

The most recent quarterly testing of New York City's water supply revealed dangerous levels of stupid in the city's water - over eighteen times the permissible levels, even by New York's lenient stupid standards (New York is second only to Georgia in the allowable percentage of water-stupid).

The stupid levels explain some pervasive misperceptions among well-hydrated New Yorkers. For instance, many New York City residents seem to believe that President Obama is a progressive, liberal president committed to preserving civil liberties and protecting the environment. Other New Yorkers reportedly think Sandy was a hurricane, when in fact Sandy was merely a post-tropical cyclone or "superstorm." And still others believe that the reason they haven't lost that last eighty pounds is that they've been eating too little, prompting their bodies to go into "starvation mode" in order to preserve body fat.

Given the alarming water-stupid test results, the New York City Water Department has issued a warning urging NYC residents to refrain from drinking tap water for the next two weeks, until stupid recedes to normal levels.

"I needed to cut down on my drinking anyway," remarked 46-year-old Nathan Hart of New York's Alphabet City neighborhood. "I may even check out an AA meeting."

Upon learning that the warning applies only to drinking water, not to alcohol consumption, Hart breathed an audible sigh of relief. "I should have known that. Guess I've been drinking too much water - I proved their point!"

Other New Yorkers also took the news in stride.

"This actually works out," said Natalie Martin of Red Hook, Brooklyn. "We haven't had running water since Sandy hit us - they keep saying water service is going to be restored, but it still hasn't happened. So that's been tough, but it's nice to know that dehydration may be helping our brains."

According to the Water Department, water-stupid levels should be back to normal within seven to ten days. Nevertheless, in the interest of preventing future incidents of hydro-retardation, Mayor Bloomberg has mandated that water glasses in restaurants and movie theaters be limited to sixteen ounces in volume, "Just in case."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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