NEW YORK CITY (ABSNN) - Hostess Brands, the bakers of Wonder Bread, Ho Hos and Twinkies, announced today it will shut down its remaining two plants due to a strike that crippled its operations. Although the company will cease operations, Twinkies have no expiration date so remaining stocks of Twinkies will remain on stores shelves for the next two-thousand years.
"The union responsible for this nation-wide strike must answer to children of all ages for the downfall of Hostess Twinkies and Wonder Bread. Stockholders will regain most of their investments as the remaining stock of Ho Hos have been sold to the National Hockey League since they are cheaper than hockey pucks but just as inedible," said company officials.
President Barack Obama told reporters he was "saddened by the baker's strike that sent Hostess into bankruptcy proceedings."
"Air-filled, innutritious white bread was the pillar of white society," the President said.
"But now that white bread society has declined to the point that a half-black guy like me can beat two absolutely white guys in two separate elections… well, you see my point don't you."
We're not at all certain we do see his point but we will keep you informed.