Written by queen mudder
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Thursday, 15 November 2012

image for Jill Kelley once auditioned for top role in remake of The Honorary Consul
A still of Elpidia Carrillo as Clara from the original 1983 movie

Tampa. Florida - The Oliver Stone-directed movie was to have featured Lebanese-born socialite and MacDill Air Force Base 'community organizer' [sic] Jill Kelley in the plum role of Clara Fortnum in a new version of the 1983 movie of the Graham Greene novel.

Unfortunately studio bosses changed their minds after finding an 'appreciation certificate' given to the Tampa 'camp follower' by some North Koreans as part of a wider 'thank you' plot by Pyongyang-born preacher the Rev Son Myung Moon.

"It was Moon's way of rewarding her for keeping mum about his natural daughter Aung San Suu Kyi and her birth mother the Indian slums missionary Mother Theresa," a sub-editor who worked on Paula Broadwell's hagiography 'All Innit Together, Eh?' of General Petraeus said today.

Today Kelley denied being peeved by the studio's shelving of the remake which would have seen her play the love interest to Leonardo DiCaprio's starring role of Dr Eduardo Plarr, the half-English/half-Latino adventurer played by Richard Gere in the John Mackenzie-directed film also starring Bob Hoskins and Michael Caine.

Kelley's other failed money making ventures are said to include an attempt to gain an $80 million commission from the CEO of TransGas Development Systems Adam Victor for 'facilitating' a Korean coal-gasification project.

"There's always Ecuador, of course," an aide of Amazonbotch apologist Kerry Kennedy commented, "they're bound to need an 'honorary consul' very soon when their disastrous Chevron lawsuit unravels and Wikileaks dissembler Julian Assange is booted out of the country's London embassy, heheh."

Twin sister Natalie Khawam is 'also 37'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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