Plymouth, Mass - Mal*Wart, JC Farthings, and Maced stores all plan to open right after millions of giant turkey dinners are consumed. Who wants to wait for Black Friday?
According to Dr. Drew Upbird, medical consultant to the retail industry, consequently, there are bound to be scores of people running from the dinner table to the shopping malls, per store, that don't keep their glutonous ingestions confined to their digestive systems. Many will be so sick they will not make it to the toilets to shoot foul smelling streams of beige digestive biproducts sewer-ward.
These will be provisioned with large red and green plastic buckets into which to regurgitate and expectorate. A chemical will be used to sweeten the resulting stench. The buckets will be quarter filled with aspartame in pure form.
The resulting mixture will be used to feed the homeless, according to industry spokesmen.