TALLAHASSEE, Florida (ABSNN) - The Florida Secretary of State certified today that Barack Obama won the state's election by a razor-thin margin of 74,000 votes. Tea Party freshman Congressman, Allen West, was defeated by fewer than 3,000 votes but still refuses to concede. Mitt Romney's campaign HQ refused to make any comment. President Obama said he "thanked the majority of Florida voters for their choice that gave him another term."
"But, as it turned out, your vote didn't change a damned thing down there in the Penis State. Your rednecks hate me. 47% of Florida voters are never going to approve of my agenda of fairness for all Americans, universal health care, higher taxes on the income of the wealthiest 2% of the country, reproductive freedom, or anything else I propose."
The President then told reporters what he planned to do about Florida.
"I have just signed an order restoring the post-Civil War Reconstruction Government throughout Florida. Only blacks and Hispanics will be able to hold office. The US Army will administer all government agencies," he said.
"Old white men will be ineligible for public office and will have to turn in their yachts and work at a Burger King. If they refuse, I'll ship their white butts to Idaho. I have not had time to tweak all of my new Florida policies, but I will make it more and more difficult for Floridians every single day that Allen West refuses to concede. Dammit, I've had it with you people!"
Reporters asked the President if there was anything about Florida he did like.
"Only the boiled shrimp and peanuts," said the President.